I saw it last week and couldn’t stop giggling. Naturally, I showed it to Galen this past weekend. We were in Bend to attend the wedding of one of his college friends, and he and I giggled together about the video for a good ten minutes on Sunday morning.

Then, Sunday evening, we went to the wedding. When it got to the part of the ceremony where the officiant read the vows and had the bride and groom repeat after him, Galen started biting his lip. The vows were very nice – pretty traditional, nothing unusual – so I couldn’t figure out what he was reacting to. As soon as they were over, he told me all he could think about the whole time was Talking Carl.

All I’m saying is that if the armed services were a little more welcoming of “the gays,” it wouldn’t have taken almost nine years for the troops in Afghanistan to come up with the idea of lip-syncing, recording and releasing a music video online.  Plus, the rooms in the background would probably be cleaner.  At least, that’s been my experience.

Motivational Fitness Video.

I thought the whole email prank was so funny that I lay in wait for the perfect time to pull the same stunt with my friends and/or coworkers.

Much to my delight, within a week or so, our HR person sent out an email to the entire company saying she wanted to decorate the first floor bulletin board with photos of “how the employees of The Foundation spent the 80′s.”  She said there would be a contest for the best photo.  Her email went to the entire company.

I almost immediately responded and chose three of the (very few) men I work with to call out.

I know how Matt, Sean and Dave spent the 80′s, I said, because there’s video of it. Then I included a link to the video and all its spandex and aerobic glory.

It was about 4:30 on a Friday when I sent the email, and Matt and Dave were both already gone for the weekend.  (Sean responded almost immediately, asking if Dave had told me about the Reunion Tour ’09 plans that were in the works.)  After sending it, I got a little nervous that the guys might not think it was as funny as I did… so I sent a separate email to them saying that I chose to pick on them because I knew they could take a joke, and I hoped they weren’t offended.

Which brings me to today’s story.  I felt that since I threw Matt, Sean and Dave under the bus for a good laugh, it was only fair that I embarrass myself in front of our coworkers to make the playing field even.  Being an 80′s baby, I have access to very few of the photos of me from that decade.  However, I do have the electronic copy of this gem:

That’s right.  This is a photo of me wearing panda earmuffs that match my brother’s slippers, with a fake plastic stethescope in my belt loop (funny, considering how many real ones I had available to me), strangling my brother with a look on my face that says, “Nothing to see here…”  I mean, when he was strutting around with cheeks like that baring so much diaper-midriff, how was I supposed to compete for attention?

I don’t even know what else to say…

The only thing I would change is the music. You might want to listen to it on mute while your favorite tunes play in the background.

TWO THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW BEFORE WATCHING THIS VIDEO:
1. It is not safe for work.
2. If you are easily offended or don’t like blatant sex talk, you should not watch this.

The part I saw is the outdoor dancing that starts at 3:00.

Storm posted the video on her website and blog, along with a list of people she wanted to thank for their help and support. Then she signed off with this great line:

Last, but not least, thank you, Portland, Oregon. Your endless support of all things weird will always make you the coolest city on the planet. Bless your rainy and rosy wild heart.

xoStorm

First of all, let me explain a little about what “training” for a body building competition entails. Ken has not only been working out daily, but he’s been rigorously dieting for the better part of a year. He eats every couple hours and consumes very strange things: plain chicken with mustard, giant scoops of cashew butter, olive oil by the spoonful. He drinks protein shakes and takes vitamin supplements like they’re going out of style. And whenever he has a “cheat day,” he gorges himself on carbs and then crashes on the couch for a while until his blood sugar gets back to normal. At one point last fall, he made a comment about how he doesn’t eat for taste… So, I took it upon myself to pretty much ONLY eat for taste whenever we were together. He’d order egg whites cooked in Pam for brunch – I’d get Belgian waffles with ice cream and extra powdered sugar. I think it’s important to maintain the world’s equilibrium.

When my friend Kara told one of her coworkers that she was going to Lincoln City to watch Brian’s boyfriend Ken compete, the coworker responded, “Oh, so you’re going to support Ken? That’s so nice!”

“No…” Kara replied, “We’re going to support Brian.”

And I think he needed it. I mean, when Kara and I got to Lincoln City and met the boys at the house Ken had rented for the weekend, we almost introduced ourselves to Ken because he was so tan we didn’t recognize him. Only a very talented airbrush artist can make this:

look like this:

There were smudges of spray tan on all of the couch pillows, where Ken had taken a nap. Brian had a smear of bronze on his forearm where he had rested it on Ken’s arm during the night. And as Brian reminded us, “I’m Mexican! I don’t need this!”

The contest itself was surreal. We had to watch dozens of women with bleach-blonde hair and sparkly string bikinis flex their muscles and walk across the stage in VERY high heels (with clear plastic platforms) before the men’s competition started, but I think it just made us cheer even louder when we saw Ken.

There he is, posing while his theme song (Superman) blasted from the speakers.

His performance was awesome. So awesome, in fact, that he won First Runner Up in his weight class.

Do you think he knew I was taking his picture?

After each of the weight classes took the stage, the overall winners for both the men’s and the women’s competitions were announced. The female winner thanked her family – her husband and two teenage boys – for putting up with her throughout all of her training. “I know everyone’s here to celebrate the competitors,” she said, “but what we do wouldn’t be possible without our families and loved ones. They have to deal with our mood swings and crazy structured lives. They have the toughest jobs.”

So congrats, Brian. You did it. Maybe Ken will let you borrow his trophy for a few days.

Although you might want to wash it first, in case it still has spray tan on it.