megolomaniac

Yep. Those are a dozen roses. They were delivered to my office today and I took them home because we have a staff retreat tomorrow. I couldn’t stand the idea that they would be at my desk without me there to admire them. The seatbelt worked quite well, I must add.

I was totally blown away by this. Galen and I had talked on the phone last night about how gloomy the weather is these days and how I’ve been feeling a little seasonally-affected. He was very sweet and understanding, as usual. We made plans for this weekend (I’m headed to Umatilla in search of sun and boyfriend) and then we hung up. I never expected anything as amazing as flowers delivered to the office.

After they arrived at my desk, the sun came out.

I have a thing for evening photos of skylines. I love them. Portland and Missoula are both great places for such photos, since they have a river going right through downtown that reflects all the lights. But Portland has WAY more lights, obviously.

The other night I was driving home from Book Club, going over the Morrison Bridge (the best one for views of the city), when I realized it was the perfect night for photos. It was clear; no clouds, no haze, no nothing.

I don’t have a fancy camera at all, but I drove down to the waterfront and took a few photos. It’s nights like this one that make me wish I had more reasons to own a nice camera.

Do you have a sibling?  Do you ever wish you could get back at them for all the damage they did to you (both mentally and physically) while you were growing up?  You don’t want to do anything horrible, of course, just give them some lasting token of the childish emotions you can’t let go of?

I’ve got an idea.  You know that terrible nickname you gave your brother or sister when they were younger that still embarrasses them to this day?  Teach your kids to call them that.

Believe me.  I’ve got an Aunt Tuna.

Yeah, you read that right.  My mom grew up calling her sister Tuna after a mysterious incident involving a cheerleading uniform that both of them still laugh about but refuse to retell.  My aunt has a real name that sounds nothing like Tuna, but I only learned that when I was about ten years old.  It still weirds me out when other people use her real name.  My mom calls her Tuna.  My brother and I call her Aunt Tuna.  My step dad calls her Tuna.  You get the point.

Recently, I asked my mom if she had a bit of a “gotcha” moment the first time one of us said the words “Aunt Tuna,” as if this was some type of retribution for all those years of annoyance and frustration her younger sister put her through.  (Can you tell I’m the older sibling, too?)  She thought about it for a minute and then said, “I’ve always called her Tuna.  I can’t imagine calling her anything else.  So why would I teach you guys to?”  I suddenly wished my younger self had come up with a better nickname for my little brother than “Bud.”

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In early December, we went to Tennessee to visit Aunt Tuna on her farm in the mountains.  I hadn’t been there in ten years, so it was interesting to see how many things were different and how many were exactly the same.  She has the same horses but not the cows; she lost three dogs but got a puppy and a new cat.  The house was just like we left it, although I had grown so it seemed to have shrunk.  It was also the first time I could remember being there in the winter.  There’s something fascinating to me about frozen mud and kudzu vines that survive the frost.  These are not winter concepts I am familiar with.

Aunt Tuna’s house (in summer):

Aunt Tuna and Toby Kramer (the gigantic puppy):

Other photos from the farm…
The most inviting chair in the world:

Snow! And kudzu!

The tin man sits on the covered porch of a southern home, admiring the fresh snow.

Last but not least, my mom sent me this photo of us on a hike.  From left: my brother, me, my mom, Aunt Tuna (notice the dress with leggings and red rubber boots.  Always a fashion plate – even when the rest of us are bundled like the kid from A Christmas Story, add hiking boots).

Just like last year…

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?

Got an Oregon Drivers License, lived by myself, bought a car (photos coming soon!), successfully navigated a long-distance relationship.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I did pretty well, honestly. And I’m going to try to revive the ones I’ve been slacking on.  I’m also adding one WHOPPER for 2010 – I am going to run a 5 mile race.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Yes! I got two new baby cousins this year.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

No. Thank goodness.

5. What countries did you visit?

Just Canada. Wait, does Vegas count as a foreign country?

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?

Patience.

7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

January 20th – Barack Obama’s Inauguration Day (and the day the Kilmorey burned down).

May 9th – Galen took me on our first date.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Living on my own has been very empowering, as silly as that sounds. I always thought I’d hate it, but it’s been pretty nice.

9. What was your biggest failure?

I don’t like this question. I failed to pay a couple of bills on time?

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Nothing more serious that the Swine Flu, thankfully.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

I’m hoping my new(ish) car will fill this role.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

The Blazers.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

I’m going to change those words to “disappointed and confused” and say President Obama. Not overall, mind you, but I’m still sort of confused about a few things, like the deployment of so many troops to Afghanistan.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Rent, car.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Pretty much every time Galen came to visit. And my cousins having babies.

16. What song will always remind you of 2009?

“Boom Boom Pow” – Black Eyed Peas
“Don’t Trust Me” – 3Oh!3
“Battlefield” – Jordin Sparks
“Poker Face” – Lady Gaga
“I’m Yours” – Jason Mraz
“Love Story” – Taylor Swift
“Single Ladies” – Beyonce

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

happier or sadder? Happier
thinner or fatter? Thinner, I think. Maybe the same.
richer or poorer? About the same

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

I wish I’d spent more time in Montana.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

I wish I’d spent less time worrying about the future.

20. Did you fall in love in 2009?

Yes. :)

21. What was your favorite TV program?

The Daily Show, 30 Rock, So You Think You Can Dance, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Boston Legal (reruns).

22. What was the best book you read?

It Sucked and Then I Cried: How I Had a Baby, a Breakdown, and a Much Needed Margarita by Heather Armstrong

23. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Zac Brown Band

24. What did you want and get?

A new job, a new car, A fabulous boyfriend.

25. What did you want and not get?

More sunshine. It’s never enough.

26. What was your favorite film of this year?

Wow, I saw so few (as always). I’m going to have to go with either The Hangover or Bolt. I saw both of them without knowing anything about them, really, so I was pleasantly surprised.

27. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 26 and went to one of my favorite bars with almost all of my favorite people in Portland. It was a wonderful reminder that I have friends of all ages from many different areas of my life, and they’re all amazing.  It was also a reminder that tequila shots are never a good idea.

28. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

I’m going to state the obvious here and say that living in the same city as my boyfriend would have made a huge difference.

29. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?

Jewel tones. And jeans whenever possible. (Damn you, new dress code at work! *Shakes fist*)

30. What kept you sane?

My mom.

31. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

I’m going to change “fancy” to “admire” and go with Heather Armstrong.

32. What political issue stirred you the most?

Healthcare stirred me so much it left me exhausted and more than a little depressed.

33. Who did you miss?

Galen, my family, my friends who live elsewhere.

34. Who was the best new person you met?

It’s hard to believe I only met Galen in April…

35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.

I have very high standards when it comes to my close friends. In return, they have my undying loyalty and love.

36. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

Now my feet turn the corner back home
Sun turns the evening to rose
Stars turning high up above
You turn me into somebody loved

-Somebody Loved, by The Weepies

Both of my parents have told me independently their theories on why marriage changes a relationship, and the premise is basically the same.  They both believe that everyone has deep-seated ideas of what marriage looks like and no one knows it until those ideas surface in their subconscious and, eventually, their behavior.  Even if you live together before you get married and don’t reorganize your finances… Even if the only things that seem to change are the jewelry on your left hands and maybe her last name… You’re not safe from those repressed ideas bubbling up and taking over.

I call my dad’s theory “The Tapes.”  You know how sports teams watch “tape” of themselves and their opposing teams to learn from their mistakes and look for patterns that they can manipulate?  My dad says that everyone has similar “tape” filed deep in their mind under “marriage.”  So they come home from their honeymoon to the same home they lived in with the same significant other and the same job and the same car, assuming everything is the same.  Then they start using words like “husband” and “wife” and “marriage”… and their mental marriage file is suddenly flung open and the tapes begin to play in the background like an outdoor movie.  The person can continue along with their life pretending they aren’t watching the tape, but they can’t ignore it completely.

Suddenly, the wife gets frustrated with her husband because he isn’t home for dinner every night.  The husband has never been home for dinner every night, so he, in turn, gets angry because his wife isn’t making her (changing) expectations clear.  Then the husband is aggravated because his wife decides to visit a friend who just had a new baby the same weekend he is supposed to attend another friend’s birthday party.  In the past, they would have just done their own things, but now he expects them to go to the party as a couple – a united front.  She thinks it’s clear that she needs to be with the new mom to help around the house, so she is frustrated with her husband’s lack of understanding.

Clearly these are oversimplifications that revolve around stereotypes, but they illustrate the point.

Back when I was single,  I used to console myself by saying that I would make an awesome girlfriend.  I would be the cool chick that all my boyfriend’s friends would want to invite out with them because I didn’t make my boyfriend leave early or stay home with me when I had a headache.  I would be understanding when he wanted to hang out with other people and wouldn’t make him check in with me all the time.  He wouldn’t have to drive me to the airport early in the morning because I’d take the bus instead.  I wouldn’t harp on him for his imperfections or ever try to change him… Because I would be The Perfect Girlfriend.

However, it’s becoming increasingly clear to me that I have “girlfriend” tapes.  Sometimes things come out of my mouth and within nanoseconds I’m doing my damnedest to shove them back down my throat.  Galen will go a few weeks without trimming his beard (NOT a big deal – nor anything that concerns me) and I’ll say something really sweet like, “Haven’t had much time to keep up the beard, huh?”  And then punch myself in the kidney.

Then there was the other day when we were hanging out at my apartment getting ready to go to a party with friends.  He was wearing a hat because it had been raining, but I thought his hair looked particularly good that day.  So, naturally, I said, in my most passive-aggressive voice, “Are… you going to wear that hat to the party?”  Being the incredibly nice person he is, he just looked at me and said, “I don’t know.  Do you think I should?”

I don’t WANT to say these things.  I really don’t.  Nor do I care if he trims his beard or wears a hat…  In no way do those things reflect upon me.  In fact, I don’t really care how he dresses or how often he showers either, as long as he doesn’t smell (I do have SOME standards).  But it feels like there’s something that says to me, “Megan, real girlfriends comment on the things their boyfriends wear in very tactless ways.”  So I do.

I’m hoping this tape doesn’t last too long.

I have twelve cousins on my dad’s side of the family.  There are 14 of us total and I am 7th in the birth order.  The age difference between the oldest and youngest is almost exactly 30 years and we’re pretty evenly spaced over that time.  Even with this significant age span, we’re a close bunch.  Our relationships morph and change over the years as we go through different periods in our lives and move across the country and around the world, but we all get along and look forward to the time we spend together, whether it’s at Waterton or Christmas or other visits throughout the year.

My oldest cousin, Molly, passed away suddenly four years ago.  Since then, I’ve tried hard to hold on tight to every memory I have of her.

…One year at Waterton, she rented a surrey with my cousin Emily and I, who must have been about 10 and 9 at the time.  We weren’t quite tall enough to reach the pedals, so she had to do most of the hard work.  She knew we really wanted to go for a ride, though, and we needed a grown up to take us, so she offered.

…She always made me feel special when I was younger by telling me how cool it was that we had the same initials.

…Molly was the first person to explain divorce and step-parents to me, long before I gained firsthand knowledge.  Looking back on our conversation now, I know how hard it must have been for her to explain to someone so young what it’s like to have two families, and I’m particularly grateful for her patience with me.

…I remember when she explained to me what an Irish claddagh ring was, what it symbolized, and I bought one soon after that because I wanted to be like her and wear it all the time.

…She came through Missoula one time when I was in high school and visited us.  She had just been in the hospital for what sounded like a stroke and had just started taking blood thinners.  She had a few bruises on her legs and arms and I remember thinking how incredibly upbeat she was.  She told me the bruises were a little annoying but she felt like a million bucks.

…In every single memory I have of my cousin Molly, she was happy, laughing and overflowing with charisma.  I thought of her as someone who was always looking for the next adventure and I admired her in so many ways.

On December 4th, just ten days ago, my cousin Kevin and his wife Jen had a baby girl.  And they named her Molly.

As my cousins have started having kids, I love spending time with the babies and talking to their parents about what life is like with children.  I look forward to many years of being the fun older cousin who teaches the little ones new games and buys them ice cream when their parents aren’t looking.  I’m sure I’ll tell them stories that will bore them to tears sometimes, but hopefully I’ll also be the person they invite to sit at the kids table at Thanksgiving because the rest of the grown ups are so boooooring.

And I hope with all my might that Molly, Eamon and Liam (who are all babies and toddlers now) are there for my kids when their feet can’t reach the pedals.

Yikes. It was harder this year than I remember it being last year…

Thanks for reading, everyone! Hopefully I won’t drop off now like I did last year. I’ve got a fun trip to North Carolina, Tennessee and Florida planned this week, so I’ll try to take photos!

And… Just so I don’t feel like this post was a TOTAL waste of your time… I bring you:

The 15 Funniest Animal Videos the Web Has to Offer and my personal addition, The Goat that Yells Like a Man (thanks for sharing, Bean!).

My aunt and uncle sent this article in an email to all our family members on Thanksgiving. I thought it was beautiful.

It got me thinking this weekend about what Thanksgiving is for me. This is the third year in a row (and ever) that I haven’t been with my parents for Thanksgiving. There are lots of reasons for this – all of them related to distance. If it were easier for me to get home, I wouldn’t think twice about it. But spending four flights, two days, and 5 or 6 hundred dollars to only have about 48 hours with my family was getting frustrating. Driving over two mountain passes in the middle of the night isn’t really an option, either. Not in the winter.

So I’ve learned to find other kinds of “family” – usually friends – in Portland to celebrate and feast with. This year, Galen invited me to spend the weekend with his extended family here in Portland. His parents and sister flew in and everyone gathered for dinner Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. They are an incredibly welcoming bunch and I had a great time. His sister also has young kids who are tons of fun, so Galen and I spent a fair amount of our pre- and post- dinner time being silly with them.

And I realized that Thanksgiving is about feeling at home, even if you aren’t. It’s about that warm feeling you get when you go inside someone’s house, where the lights are on and the kitchen is full of commotion, where the people are excited to see you and hug you hello, where someone’s dad wants to talk about the day’s football games and someone’s mom wants to take your coat and put it in the hall closet, and you’re so grateful to be out of the cold and rain.

It’s about being surrounded by people who like you for who you are, even if they don’t know you very well. People who want you to have two desserts and an extra glass of wine. People who will ask what your family is doing today, wherever they may be, and then listen to the answer. People who look you in the eyes when they ask you how you’ve been and want to hear about your day, even if you didn’t get out of your pajamas until after 2:00. And although you may never be completely at ease, since you aren’t at your house, you feel welcomed, you feel the warmth, and you feel at home.

I am thankful for my many homes away from home.

Galen indulged me this evening and we went to ZooLights at the Oregon Zoo, something that I’ve been wanting to do for years but never managed to fit in my holiday schedule. I think we may have been the only group there without young children in tow (we even ran into Galen’s sister and her toddlers), but considering how ridiculously excited I was, it was pretty much like Galen brought his own child.

Here are some of the highlights:

Galen and me in front of a wall of lights:

A hummingbird:

An alligator swimming:

Flying pigs (this was the best shot I could get):

And, of course, Galen laughing maniacally next to a radioactive tree:

My top five favorite books (that I can think of right now) in no particular order:

- The History of Love, Nicole Krauss
- Under the Banner of Heaven, Jon Krakauer
- The Count of Monte Cristo, Alexandre Dumas
- The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, Rebecca Wells
- A River Runs Through It and Other Stories, Norman MacLean